My Hidden Neurosis
I lost my two elderly grandmothers within a few weeks. Although both had lived to a ripe old age and their passing has been more or less an expected event, that did not make it any less painful and it made me recall the time I was still reviewing for my exams.
Studying for the exams made me come face to face with all the diseases people can die from and it has made me afraid of the possibilities of me or any of my family getting such diseases. Sometimes I even stop reading because it makes think of the possible complications of the illnesses we now have. What is happening to me? Is it because I subconsciously wanted to fight death and disease in my family and friends that made me take up medicine? Or is this a long repressed neurosis that has just recently come into the picture?
Many years back I have come to terms with a personality trait that I have when it comes to losing people. I discovered I could not deal very well with loss. The reason I broke up with my sailor boyfriend was because I don’t like him to be away from me for very long periods of time. I missed my medical school classmates when I went off for my internship and when one of my close friends died that year, I was devastated. It took me several months until I could remember him or hear the songs he sang without breaking up into tears. These traits have not been very evident when I was young because most of the people who died or moved away were not people I knew very well. Eventually as years passed and I became a doctor, many people in our place have died due to old age or disease and then I realized that time will come for us too. Being a doctor will not make me or my family immune from disease. In fact, being a doctor gave me the disadvantage of knowing the myriad ways people can get sick and die that I wouldn’t have known had I not been a doctor. Of course as part of our training we have been taught that sickness and death is the enemy and we must prevent or delay it at any cost. I still instinctively review all the cases I treated who have died if I have done something or did not do something and if that might have contributed to the patients’ death. Now I can understand why some doctors do not treat their family members especially if it’s a critical illness. They’re merely freeing themselves from panic at handling a potentially fatal illness in a person close to them which could cloud their judgment.
Writing all this down just made me realize it’s a common condition perhaps made worse by my vivid imagination. From now on I will pray and trust God to keep us out of harms way.
Studying for the exams made me come face to face with all the diseases people can die from and it has made me afraid of the possibilities of me or any of my family getting such diseases. Sometimes I even stop reading because it makes think of the possible complications of the illnesses we now have. What is happening to me? Is it because I subconsciously wanted to fight death and disease in my family and friends that made me take up medicine? Or is this a long repressed neurosis that has just recently come into the picture?
Many years back I have come to terms with a personality trait that I have when it comes to losing people. I discovered I could not deal very well with loss. The reason I broke up with my sailor boyfriend was because I don’t like him to be away from me for very long periods of time. I missed my medical school classmates when I went off for my internship and when one of my close friends died that year, I was devastated. It took me several months until I could remember him or hear the songs he sang without breaking up into tears. These traits have not been very evident when I was young because most of the people who died or moved away were not people I knew very well. Eventually as years passed and I became a doctor, many people in our place have died due to old age or disease and then I realized that time will come for us too. Being a doctor will not make me or my family immune from disease. In fact, being a doctor gave me the disadvantage of knowing the myriad ways people can get sick and die that I wouldn’t have known had I not been a doctor. Of course as part of our training we have been taught that sickness and death is the enemy and we must prevent or delay it at any cost. I still instinctively review all the cases I treated who have died if I have done something or did not do something and if that might have contributed to the patients’ death. Now I can understand why some doctors do not treat their family members especially if it’s a critical illness. They’re merely freeing themselves from panic at handling a potentially fatal illness in a person close to them which could cloud their judgment.
Writing all this down just made me realize it’s a common condition perhaps made worse by my vivid imagination. From now on I will pray and trust God to keep us out of harms way.
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