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My Hidden Neurosis

I lost my two elderly grandmothers within a few weeks. Although both had lived to a ripe old age and their passing has been more or less an expected event, that did not make it any less painful and it made me recall the time I was still reviewing for my exams. Studying for the exams made me come face to face with all the diseases people can die from and it has made me afraid of the possibilities of me or any of my family getting such diseases. Sometimes I even stop reading because it makes think of the possible complications of the illnesses we now have. What is happening to me? Is it because I subconsciously wanted to fight death and disease in my family and friends that made me take up medicine? Or is this a long repressed neurosis that has just recently come into the picture? Many years back I have come to terms with a personality trait that I have when it comes to losing people. I discovered I could not deal very well with loss. The reason I broke up with my sailor boyfriend w...
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Deaths

I lost 3 of my old patients this week. One liver cirrhosis who was referred to higher center died in another hospital, one renal carcinoma, diabetic patient died at home and one lupus cardiac patient who died in the ICU. It's so stressful caring for these patients especially those terminal and toxic cases I always get while working at the ICU. In the case of my lupus patient who had been under my service for the last 3 years, caring for her in her last days took such a toll on me. She was still too young to die but I think she had suffered enough with her illness. What made it more difficult for me was the fact that she had gotten close to me, or rather as close as I let my patients get. When I first saw her, I knew I was in for a difficult time. I felt very happy everytime I was able to discharge her from the ICU in the course of her many admissions. But as the years passed her condition steadily deteriorated and I found myself praying she wouldn't suffer too much when she die...
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Young Patients

I get stressed everytime I get critical young patients. The main reason I did not go into pediatrics was that it really breaks my heart to have children get sick. So I went into adult medicine but even then I still get the teens and young adults with critical illnessess who are placed under my care. I could get no way out of this for there are so many critical and indigent patients we get in our small ICU. In a few months we would be transfering to our bigger unit which I'm sure would be filled up in no time. There's sure to be more interesting days and sleepless nights ahead for me.
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Patients

Have a septic, hemolytic anemia patient at the ICU. No more fever for the past 24 hours, antibiotics given for the past 8 days, still needs more blood for transfusion. Blood bank would not give any more blood since they already pulled so much and still have to replace about 12 bags. Said they need to leave some blood for emergency cases. What they don't seem to realize is that this is an emergency too. Sure, the family could have procured more blood for the patient, should have brought in more donors but I have to exhaust all means to give blood for my patient short of giving my own incompatible blood. I only wanted the blood to tide her over for the next days until more donors can be found. Finally wrangled 1 bag for this morning. Dragged my boss over to the ICU to see the patient. I know she couldn't qoute policy to me while seeing my poor patient struggle. I think it helps to put a human face on suffering so all those who dictate policy would think twice before voting someth...
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